Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Looking Back...and Feeling in Awe Once Again
I'm one of those people who has tons of journals, many of them partly used. I love having them around for writing down ideas, feelings, plans, lists. :)
While cleaning house and putting away Christmas decorations this past weekend, I delved into a box with several journals and other memorabilia. And, of course, I got sucked into a period of reminiscing.
I think we need those moments of looking back.
"Remember his marvellous works that he hath done; his wonders and the judgments of his mouth." - Psalm 105:5 (emphasis added)
I was deeply touched to come across an entry from a time when I was feeling really uncertain and worried about my future. I'll leave out a bit with some more personal details, but I wanted to share most of it with you...
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January 15, 2013
Tonight is one of those nights... I'm feeling so uncertain about my future, and so afraid of my own fears and of never moving forward in love and life.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I think perhaps I'm being too prideful - I want to have a legacy, to see and know that what I'm dong has an impact on others, is meaningful, successful. I suppose that I want to be successful... And yet I'm lazy, and I'm scared of change.
Do I really think God's hand is not strong enough or long enough to guide me, to help me? Heaven help me if I do. I know He can work His will for my life no matter where I live. I know He can give me the strength to take the steps I need to take. I just wish I knew what those steps were!
Am I like that second girl on Joe vs. the Volcano? She was afraid of declining her father's money and leaving to go live on her own. Joe told her, "See! You know what you're scared of doing. If you have a choice between ending your life and doing the thing you're scared of doing, why not take the leap and do the thing you're scared of doing?"
What am I scared of doing? I'm scared of applying for jobs. I'm scared of getting a job and having to work and maybe hating it. I'm scared of getting my license. What if I can't pass the test? I'm scared of the freedom - and the added responsibilities. I'm scared of taking the step between the sheltered life I have here at home and the life I can have out there. What if I'm rejected? What if I have to work in a negative atmosphere? What if I fail? What if I hate my job? I'm scared of having to make choices. I'm so impulsive, and my choices haven't always been the wisest. What if I make horrible choices?
What if I've been making excuses? What if I'm hiding from life? God help me, please, because I just don't know how to take another step. I don't know if I can make the right choices, and I'm scared of having to live with the consequences of wrong choices. Please, God, please guide me. My heart is quaking within me.
"We'll jump, and we'll see." Make my crooked paths straight, please, God. Don't let me live in fear of the life you have given me.
"Thank you for my life. I forgot...how big... Thank you."*
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I looked back at that time, almost exactly three years ago, and was moved by how God has worked in my life since then.
It would still be another year and a half after I wrote this journal entry before I'd be offered my current job.
A year and a half in which my editing business finally found traction and brought in some amazing clients who gave me wonderful work experience.
A year and a half in which I became an indie author.
A year and a half in which I got the driver's license that so terrified me.
And now, three years later, I'm living away from home. In my own little apartment, having survived job applications and moving and acclimating to a new job and life in a new town. While there have certainly been some rough patches and many, many learning experiences, God has brought me to a wonderful place.
Amazingly enough, I've even come to enjoy driving. My parking skills have greatly improved. :)
It's easy for me to caught up in the new journal entries. The ones where I stress about work and what I feel I'm lacking and the next step. Always the next step...
But the God who brought me this far, who faithfully helped me take those scary steps in His time, hasn't changed.
How could I doubt that He's just as much at work in this season as He was in the past?
Wherever you are in your own journey, I hope that you'll be able to look back at those previous journal/life entries soon and remember God walking beside you. You've come a long way, dear friend.
*These quotes are from the movie Joe Versus the Volcano with Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan (although likely not word for word). Yes, I do love to quote movies!